It’s a wild Friday afternoon. I’m sat in the centre of our two-seater sofa, milky coffee and large glass of water to my right, candle burning to my left and Pretty Woman playing on the TV. There’s magazines in front of me, cosy Christmas socks beside me and a blanket ready to be unfolded when a chill sets in.
Life, as I outlined in my last post, is quite weird right now. I have this urge to be back in full-time work, working on a professional career where I can excel. Yet other parts of me want to write a book, travel Europe, transport into the set of Gilmore Girls, or become a chef. My thoughts are free and unruly, and they’re not always helpful. I wish more people would be honest about how they feel when they’re in a space of uncertainty – job uncertainty. What I’m simply trying to say is, why do people not talk about how they feel when they’ve been made unemployed? I do understand it’s because they’re likely feeling disheartened, upset, depressed even – and for most people, that’s difficult to put into words.
I’ve been meandering over one thought recently and that is why do I lack such self-belief? I’m always baffled by how others seem to have so much confidence that they go out there, “show up”, and thrive in what it is they love to do. I am more resilient than I give myself credit for. I remember living in France for the year, at times questioning my existence at the ripe old age of twenty… I was so hard on myself. And the reason I laugh about it is I’m still so hard on myself. Today I tried to look in the mirror and face myself and say, “look how far you’ve come. You’ve done so well”. And I did, but I cried. I cried pure tears of sorrow, even of slight joy at the fact that what I need to do is dig deep and push forward. I love to write about wellness and practice it, but I’m so hard on myself I don’t always believe it. I’m determined to get there though. All I need to do is step into my power, find that little fire that is within me and try. I’ve been so scared of trying because I’ve feared failing. But you can’t even fail if you don’t try.
I guess I’m just not afraid to hide realness anymore. Yes, you could fake it ’til you make it. But I’d rather be honest when I need help, when I need space, and when I need fun and excitement to propel me forward.
I’m enjoying blogging again, and I can’t wait to blog about positive things to come in the near future. Plus, it’s just over four weeks before I’m back in my beloved Bordeaux for a few days!!! I’m so excited for some October sun, city walks, coffees ensemble, and speaking French!
Love and bisous,
Anna
kulayrosas 