I’ve two or three posts handwritten waiting for me to ‘find the time’ to type them up. There’s this endless feeling of not having time at the moment. It’s frustrating really because when I carve an ounce of time out for myself to do something I need to do, something happens. I know that’s a very negative way to look at it, but it isn’t the kind of ‘something happens’ that’s a minor inconvenience. It always needs attending to straight away.
The long wait for counselling is frustrating yet humbling. It’s not like I’ve never waited for it before, hence why probably the more support I get that isn’t medical, the more soothed I feel. But being soothed isn’t healing. It isn’t solving the problems.
I always wait a long time to hear back from professionals. It’s actually worse when you try to show patience and become patient because then you get it thrown back in your face. The “why didn’t you say this before?” starts, the constant interrogation. Because maybe I have just been trying to get through every day?
Of course I already want to be healed from the grief. Nature is playing a big part in the reassurance that I can continue to exist without two special people in my life, but it just isn’t the same. Our garden robin delivers to us all constant attention. I find myself talking to it out loud or I realise I’m thinking something negative and it flies almost at you before stopping beside you on the bench or fence or bird feeder. As a Linguistics student it fascinates me. I was never fascinated by animal-human/human-animal communication before since I began studying the field at undergraduate, but now the penny is dropping and I can understand why my “uneducated” Gran (all according to her verbatim) connected with nature so much.
I’m not ‘spiritual’, I’m a Christian. I wondered if anything would change that in the past but right now, I literally cannot escape my feelings and core beliefs which are keeping me steadfast. I’m re-learning (again!) to trust when I’m feeling anxious, to align my thoughts and to seek help because while God is greater, help from mankind won’t hurt.
I want to go back to watching TinTin now… I’m missing all the action of this episode!
Bye for now.
Love,
Anna x
kulayrosas 