I’m going to start this one off by prefacing that you’re going to need to keep reading for depth. I do hope that you find strength in yourself today, whatever it is that you’re facing. This is one of the half-written, handwritten posts I had to type up. Stick with me x
“Doesn’t match the data”, they said about a lack of reality when it comes to the notion of a ‘lockdown generation’. Tim Hartford – BBC Radio 4. Worth listening to in its entirety, truth be told though I haven’t had the time to find the name of the programme for you so please search on BBC Sounds. It is no surprise to me that the multitude of various stories and varied experiences is the main reason that the term ‘lockdown generation’ is redundant. Let’s be honest, it’s self-explanatory and not at all profound. Life is life. We all have different lived experiences, perceptions, perspectives. I’m actively choosing to view lockdown as a life experience. While I know and respect how awful, painful and challenging it was for many, we simply do not know what the two years would have actually been like if they’d been ‘normal’. Were we going in a good direction as a society? Were we having these conversations? Were we just slogging around, working and living for the weekend, were we happy? Were we ever happy? Not saying we aren’t or are doing all this now, but we are beginning to start to get a lot more honest with our fellow neighbour (the person next to you) in the moment rather than leaving what we wished we said unsaid.
I find ‘blame’ a challenging topic. I actually have already learned not to blame others internally but not being able to control others’ feelings that I may blame them for is a very tall order. I read my Bible, repent of my sins, ask for forgiveness and do my best to love and respect others. That doesn’t mean it is easy. I am human, aren’t you? Time heels but time also destroys. That’s my experience. People will take words out of context and you simply have no control over what they do with them or how they interpret them. “Power verbs… Use them,” they said. But wait, “maybe you’re intimidating them?…” What? This girl who cries herself to sleep several nights a week listening to podcasts to soothe the anxiety of falling asleep because that’s when the ‘demons’ come? … You must be joking. But are we joking? Why are we being so critical of each other based on face value? Myself included. I’m working so hard on changing that.
As I get older now – and yes, 27 going on 28 is still ‘young’ but it’s old to me? That’s why I’m mentioning it? I continuously hit the bump in the same road (literally, pothole mania) and question why I still always feel like I’m ‘struggling’? They say grief affects you physically and mentally, I read something that says it actually changes you. Fight or flight. Dealing with the change. I am fortunate because my Gran talked. She told me how hard grieving my Grandad I never got to meet was – and for me, it’s so hard to use the word ‘was’ to describe someone I never met but whose DNA is inevitably flowing through my veins. Every day there were moments my Gran found hard but I learned over all the years how love can manifest itself through dedication and respect for your partner, whether they’re here or gone. The commitment to choosing love before all else, it knowing no bounds. I think I’ll forever miss our conversations; and I’m starting to learn and accept, especially with the first anniversary of her death falling in a couple of weeks, that no one else’s conversations are going to match up and actually, that’s okay. I can let that be and I no longer need to search for that in someone else.
Speaking of change, I do feel like I’m on the cusp of a new version of myself and am needing to take that plunge and shed the old skin of needing constant reassurance and comfort. If I’m honest with you, it’s highly unsettling and has come after a long period of struggling with and facing up to my anxiety and fears, but I do feel positive about this change. I am keeping myself afloat thanks to the feeling of needing to keep going, I owe this to myself to navigate the change and the chopping waters, accepting whatever may come with it. Not everything is temporary, and not everything is permanent.
I shall leave this here, since I’ve been disturbed from typing, but this time, you should know, I’ll be back soon.
Love,
Anna x
kulayrosas 