It is both a joy and a nightmare to wake up to the sound of intense birdsong outside of your window. Maybe it’s the frustration of it occurring at 5 o’clock in the morning, when you’d hoped for more sleep, the repeated calls and tweets of the same clan of birds as the day before. Despite my complaint, it is a joy because I’m blessed to have that sound around me, to be in a place so loved by birds that I do feel bad for criticising it. Perhaps hilarious to some, I am a morning person. A morning child who needs that dose of sunlight streaming through the window. As I sit here to type, I can barely see the screen, frowning slightly as the sun is on my face but that is another joy of today. The sun’s warmth, me a child (since this is both my childhood and adulthood bedroom) of an east-facing window, and words to illuminate the day.
Yesterday was really tough emotionally – probably hormones *cue eye roll about myself* – and no matter what I did to ease the creeping anxiety that left me with a front tension headache, I couldn’t settle. I keep trying to put to bed thoughts of not being enough, particularly when making job applications, because I know when I think like that I’m “on a hiding to nothing” as my Gran would say. But the intense anxiety that is coupled with putting yourself out there again is both crippling and frustrating. I have been working on my self-esteem quite intently, albeit quietly, to help myself build mental resilience and confidence. It saddens me – yes, I am self-aware – that I am still plagued by the times I was told I came across cocky, told I intimidated others, told I talk too much. Every time I’ve tried to be confident, stand up for myself or ‘back myself’, I’ve been criticised. And many would just brush that off and continue on, being themselves. But because I never intended to come across that way, it’s deeply hurt me in a way I wish I was over. Maybe writing about it will help me get over it. I’m sure the time will come to talk about it.
It’s time to move out of the room and away from the aforementioned sun. You know I hate a break from the flow. I won’t add in timestamps, but I will let you know the radio went on at 7am, as did the toaster, two eggs were fried with the usual mix of smoked paprika, mixed herbs, salt and pepper, and I was sat back here with you by 7:12. But I’ll be back when inspiration hits again, it’s disappeared.
Okay, I’m back. It wasn’t even one hour let alone the several I thought it would take to find inspiration to write again. I’m pretty pleased right now that I awoke early today, I am surprisingly not yet as fatigued as I find I normally would be. My immediate next thought was the wish that my prolactin level has lowered back to satisfactory – but we won’t know that yet. I wish it was something tangible to understand the progress of. I am actively stifling my own research into having a prolactinoma because it becomes very overwhelming and scary for me. I often think it wouldn’t be so daunting if I didn’t want children, or cared less about having children, but something in me feels like it’s life depends on it to have children one day. And it’ll happen when it happens, I’m not going to force it or rush into it. But I have realised the impact of years of stress on my body has had adverse effects on things my body is clearly more sensitive to. If you’re wondering what a prolactinoma is, you can start here with the Pituitary Foundation. I only in the last few months discovered this charity and felt immediately less alone. I do wish this had been mentioned by my consultant, or at least some form of support network I could reach out to – but I did find a helpful Facebook group, and funnily enough have since come across 3 other women who also have high prolactin/prolactinomas.
For now, I’m focused on building better habits: sleep, exercise and movement, regular eating that contains more protein and fibre. My caffeine intake was already low in terms of coffee – one a day, my religion – however some days I’ve been switching to matcha for pure girlie enjoyment. OMGTea is the brand and the one my sister buys for us is the Organic AAA Grade 30g in the green pot. We both find it so easy to drink without any sugar/sweetener/honey and it’s nice with or without milk too. A really great recommendation passed onto us so why not pass it on it you too!
Coming back to writing, I know writing is healing for me so all this typing, whether you are reading or not, is tantamount to my self-expression and will allow me to move forward through the day and week. I’m excited for a new month of May, most excited to write out my goals in my Papier diary/planner that my sister gave to me for Christmas tomorrow morning and set some intentions. As today is the last day of April, why don’t we reflect on what I actually put in there for April? Rhetorical, but let’s do it.
MONTHLY GOALS:
- Count up all the positives every day + focus on those
- Breathe in, breathe out
- Embrace each + every day as it comes
Despite a few difficult days, I do feel like I’ve achieved these. In terms of breathing in and out, I’ve been quietly but intensely working on my reactions to others, whether their words, actions or emotions, and breathing in and out to process before reacting. Living at home with your parents at twenty-seven and your younger sister who is also a fully-fledged adult is tough at times. We are a very open bunch, emotions and tempers fly, but I’m deeply grateful that we are all honest with each other and apologise after ‘blowing’ off. I always wonder if other people’s family lives are similar, an intense bond of friendship and companionship – we somehow built this throughout the Covid lockdown, not out of fear for what may happen, but a by-product of two key workers, one working full-time at home and another a full-time student unable to return to university accommodation. Many have referred to this relationship as co-dependent but I am very aware how fortunate I am to have a strong and united family that I know many others don’t have, not that they need to have it, just that I recognise that a true source of my strength comes from the resilience, love and respect within the family bonds I do experience. Not an easy one to put into words or demonstrate visibly, but it is there, ever present.
Embracing every day as it comes has also been benefitting my outlook on my life as a whole and keeping me more present. As a planner, I like to allow time for chaos and creativity so that it doesn’t spill over and derail the day, week, month, year and while I’m not always successful at that, taking each day one by one has been helping throughout April. There were so many moments in each day of April that I can recall switching my focus from panicking to breathing in, breathing out and going with the flow. I know, and am confident, I’ll be able to juggle ‘more’ again and balance priorities. Healing takes time, resetting takes time. The old Anna felt really ashamed to say she was struggling – at many stages over her life – so present me is proud I’m actively taking action to restore parts of me that needed healing, solving, repairing.
My Dad shares DGM’s (King Crimson)’s 1000 Club daily aphorisms with the household and they are now something I can’t be without. Today’s is: “In the creative act, the Creation continues.” I’ll let you ponder that, as I’m sure I will for the rest of the day.
Love,
Anna x
kulayrosas 