Realising how wholesome my life truly is has been eye-opening this week. I’m here typing away at my Grandma’s on what is outside quite a dull, early Tuesday afternoon; she is making us lunch and I just sent off a job application. Yes, yet another one. But today isn’t about that.
After my Gran and my Grandad passed away I told myself I would make the most of my relationship with my Grandma, not take for granted any of the time I get to spend with her and quite frankly lap up all the goodness of the moments we have. Connecting with the people you love and love you is so important, even if the relations can be tense. My Grandma can at times say the most cutting things to my face but I know that she loves me. Her strength to keep going without my Grandad wavers and I, having now experienced grief too, can understand that. So I feel a great sense of responsibility to pass time with her, listen to her and laugh with her, whenever and wherever we can, because we both need the brightness my Grandad brought through his laugh, cheeky smiles and infuriating jokes. Knowing that she struggles makes me feel seen because I am also struggling without him here, and I find myself feeling a lot of compassion for my Mum because I can imagine how she must feel too. If you’re reading Mum, I love you.
As I type I can hear music that is so not my Grandma so I popped my head into the kitchen to find her being put through MC Hammer’s Can’t Touch This while on hold. Sounds like she’s called Aldi to complain about something…typical. Do other grandmothers do this too?
So in the midst of the grey weather, my ever-changing mood and the smell of our “fish” lunch cooking in the kitchen, I feel quite content. Yes, there’s washing – laundry and washing up – to complete at home upon my return, and an evening meal to prepare, but isn’t that kind of glorious too? I think we completely overlook the beauty of the mundane of household chores which are really just efforts – and necessities – to take care of ourselves.
It’s funny because I came here to escape and being around another person quietens almost all of the negative thoughts my brain puts itself through when I’m by myself. With time I really hope that I can quieten my inner critic by myself; maybe make friends with her rather than try to conquer her. I don’t need a battle and I certainly don’t want to be at war with myself.
It does indeed feel so good to write again. I obviously have time now and I do feel short form media content is killing the written word and taking away that stewing moment of processing thoughts and getting them written out on paper or typed onto a screen. My attempts at writing are just allowing the creative expression I need to keep exploring to alleviate the pressure of the thoughts. It’s certainly never tumbleweed in this head of mine.
Love,
Anna
kulayrosas 