I’ve reached capacity today. I’m at the point where I could cry in public. But where I am sat, I am witnessing a lovely interaction between two strangers. The man has asked a lady to take a photo of him with Luke Jerram’s Mars. He’s on the floor pretending to hold it up. Wholesome tourist behaviour, I’m here for it. Five minutes later and they appear from afar to be deep in conversation and I just love that. Glimpses of these kind of interactions remind me humans are not all bad. We do connect and we can connect. We just have to be open to one another; less afraid, more curious. I try to smile at almost everyone I pass. It unnerves me when people ignore a kind glance, I think it’s really sad to ignore another person when they’re in such close proximity and I’ve noticed I’m more receptive of others.
Today’s DGM’s The 1000 Club aphorism sent through from my Dad is appropriate for the season of life I’m going through:
Moving forward feels like moving forward. It also feels like moving backwards, and standing still.
It is hard to find words some days to express the crippling stagnation of unemployment. The genuine willingness to be working again means you plough yourself into job applications, pour not only your time but your energy into it. And yes, one day it will be pay off. But the one day is every day in the current climate. It is always reassuring to know I’m not the only one but it doesn’t solve the problem. It doesn’t make any day any easier. The frustration that comes with being unemployed is one thing. How are you supposed to not lose the plot? For so long, every rejection crippled me and I won’t lie and say I’m still not hurt by the lack of interest in me, but I think you become kind of de-sensitised to it all. You really want to work but you can’t come across desperate and you have to keep going, and you have to keep practising and you have to stay positive. I’m sorry, doing that cycle every day is tiresome and begins to border on a fatigue that is not just mental but emotional, physical, even spiritual. Of course it is a resilience exercise and if I was ever employing someone one day I’d look favourably on someone who has been unemployed because I am telling you, to look down on someone who just needs someone to take a chance on them should make more people feel guilty. Of course an employer has to make a decision on what is right for them, financially as well as , but maybe if we took more of a chance on people, it could all go right? I think it’s a very sad world we’re heading (at break-neck speed) to where younger people are unable to get jobs, whether that’s because of AI or salaries or an unrealistic amount of expected ‘experience’.
It took courage to walk away from something that wasn’t right for me and having been in the darkest side of my own mind this year, I still wouldn’t trade anything because I have learned from it. I can feel the resurgence of myself, my creativity and my spirit – even if I feel like I’ve been dragged through some extra slippery, worm-ridden mud and grazed my palms and knees in the process. One day I’ll be able to talk about 2025 as a year that shaped me, I’m sure of that. I’m already talking like that here with words and writing about it helps me to understand it and capture it so my ‘future self’ can be reminded one day of the pain and beauty the year held. I could blame it on all of the grief and the loss – two massive things I had heard about but hadn’t comprehended until it happened to me – but I feel like that would do a pure disservice to two of my grandparents who would never have wanted me to be feeling the despair I have been feeling.
I read something today as it came across my Instagram feed and the coined phrase ‘gentle rebellion’ spoke to me. My courage right now feels like a sort of gentle rebellion. I’m rebellious in the way I feel determined and I’m gentle in the way I allow myself rest. I’ve learned I have to allow the rest because for me the burnout is real and there can be no healthy, sustainable productivity without rest. Only human, after all. I mean, that’s another thing… Why do we expect others to behave like robots? Work to exhaustion, perform to an unrealistic maximum.
I have more to say but let’s park it here, for now.
Love,
Anna
kulayrosas 