bittersweet reflections of stillness and intoxicating isolation

Wherever you can, lean into stillness and settle into presence.

AmyAnn Cadwell
& The Good Trade Team

My wishful attempts at breaking into pure creativity in 2024 have been somewhat hindered by a myriad of reasons. Getting in my own way has certainly been number one on that list. The unfortunate anxiety has decided it won’t go away easily so while I work on my breathing and practising positive self-talk, I find it hard to sit down and create. It’s uninspiring spending so much time alone, so much time not really doing anything – but at the same time it’s oddly, and incredibly, healing.

I’ve been trying to think how these past six months of redundancy will have inevitably shaped me – I just don’t realise it yet. Reading this previous post made me twinge with a bit of guilt – as I definitely haven’t been as kind to myself as I expressed I hoped I would learn to be during the past few months. It’s funny how we can have good intentions and do our best to be good people, but we can be so incredibly cruel to ourselves. Those I’ve opened up to always remind me to be kinder to myself. I would never be as verbally cruel to them as I can be to myself. We’re almost at the end of January now so it’s about time I dusted myself off and told myself positive things every single day.

When I added ‘intoxicating isolation’ into the title of this post I was both horrified by how accurately that phrase describes my current situation and how depressing it sounds. I’ve learned a lot from spending time with myself and realised how enticing being alone can be. I’m ready to be busy again so that I can rather than endure the suffering of being isolated from other people. Redundancy – both physically and financially – alienates you from others. You can’t afford to be out all day every day because that always inevitably involves money, which is the one thing you quickly run out of. At the same time, you crave being around other humans in some shape or form so that you feel connected with others and less ‘crazy’. Maybe this isn’t as hard if you don’t have intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I do wonder about other people when I’m in a coffee shop for example. Are they wondering about how they’re perceived? Do they worry before they stand up and put their coat on? Do they question life? Do they ever worry about anything? Now of course, rational me knows that they will likely answer yes to at least one of my questions, or have felt like it in the past. These are things people go and grow through. And that gives me hope that one day I’ll ‘get over myself’ and feel more at peace with myself in the world.

So with that, it is ‘stillness’ that I want to practise in the waiting. As I wait to be accepted for a job, as I wait for interview offers, as I wait for news. Learning to be still and find some calm in that would really help me to breathe I think. The healing part of these six months out of work has been the chance to understand myself and sit with myself. I faced up, realised and woke up to so much throughout 2023 that I knew 2024 needed to be different, less of the same. I’ve had to challenge myself to change how I treat myself and the ways treating myself manifests themselves. While I know happiness isn’t a constant thing and it’s most cherished when in and amongst what life throws at us, I realised very quickly I wasn’t experiencing enough contentedness to make me feel settled. The uneasiness of my future was coming from knowing I wasn’t where I know I need to be for certain things to fall into place. And that’s why there’s been no progression in areas of my life I’ve spent years wishing were progressing.

The twenties are certainly a difficult time. It’s well spoken of, and well documented. I’m not sure if anyone is prepared to be so thoroughly honest about it though. I don’t even think I’m honest enough about it. Sometimes I don’t feel like I fit in with those girls in their twenties because I am still living at home, not had the chance yet to ‘live my best life’. I need to throw myself in at the deep end and learn how to swim. That’s my metaphor to live out in 2024. There’s nothing stopping me, and I’m sick of getting in my own way.

Love,

Anna