To put it bluntly: I am not satisfied with my life.
And, I know that I probably never will be. It’s an issue of mine that I genuinely struggle with, even my mum could back me up on that.
But, after what has been an emotional evening of illness and minor conflict, I’m typing at 2am about what makes me so humble. About what actually brought me to a place of understand, maturity and pure, electric faith.
It’s 10am now. I went to sleep with the sensible decision of finishing this post in the morning. It was probably a good idea.
I’ve called this post declutter after reading a blog post about decluttering your life. You really have to read it.
And to quote this post:
A long time ago, over the hills and in the kingdom far away a wise woman said “awwww…, fuck this shit!” and lived happily ever after.
I relate. Even if you can’t class me as a wise woman, I am one to say NO I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, put my foot down and move on happily.
I’m not the only one to have gone through storms, to have experienced the feeling of your life crumbling around you.
But I’ve already come back from it. Maybe not as optimistic about life at first, but stronger and with more fight than ever before.
A lot of my issues since starting university two years ago, have been self-induced. I cause my own fair bit of drama year on year, and that’s the first thing I need to look at when decluttering my life.
What I want to declutter:
Drama is all fun and games in high school when school is a microcosm of society, and to be fair, university isn’t much different. However, by associating yourself with people outside of university, and doing things like getting a job in the town you live, you become part of the wider society.
There is no place for drama, or at least not excessive drama in this wider society. We have politics, war and conflict for that. We don’t need to add to it by stirring hate and inciting ill-feeling.
2. BAD FEELING
Negativity often swamps me. I get completely caught up in it, and I can spend weeks on end feeling rubbish about myself.
I’m really trying to elimate bad feeling by staying level-headed and not arguing with people. This usually ends up being difficult and frustrating, but so far it’s working.
3. Negative thoughts about myself
When I get sad, my brain “chats shit” about myself; my appearance mainly. I’m thrown back to my younger teenage years when I’d worry what people think of me, and I kind of spiral and end up in a pool of tears.
But I know I don’t need to feel like this. I don’t deserve to feel like this.
Banishing them negative thoughts.
When my mind or my life is cluttered, I begin to have a crisis of identity. I lose who I am in God, and who I am in myself.
By listening to the assaults on my identity, I become clouded and distant. I forget that winning approval from the world does not confirm who I am.
This article explains in more depth what I am trying to get at here. I really recommend reading it to put my thoughts in context.
THE TIME IS NOW
To quote this article:
Now is the time to admit to my failures. To admit I can’t do it all on my own. Admit to myself that I pushed away the people I loved most. Pushed them just far enough along the borders of my own selfishness that I could reach them when it was convenient for me. I fooled them into thinking my plans on being independent were actually working. Fooled myself into thinking that what I was doing was actually succeeding.
I’ve reached the point where I am admitting all of this.
I’m turning what was sorrow into motivation. I will be joyful. I will know joy again.
So to anyone of you struggling, start by decluttering. And then, admit your mistakes, mend the relationships.
Find your joy.