life :: continue

I dreaded waking up today to the 10am release of second year results. It didn’t help that I woke up 45 minutes early – I had to fill that time with something other than crippling anxiety.

When 10am came, my first demonic thought came: “Why are you even bothering at university Anna”; the second, “You’re not an A-grade student Anna, leave now”.

For the first time, my results have affected me. Like actually got to me. So yeah, a few pillows were punched this morning. But a phone call to my mum almost solved my negativity and I’m back on track with confidence.

A little victory for me is that French went how I was expecting it to: well. Solid, all-round marks across the board. So Linguistics, you’re not even worth my breath at the moment. And I’m not recording any more feelings towards particular modules.

Then good news came at midday, an opportunity I am so looking forward to taking – and one that I will share the details of with if it takes off. How lovely it is when people see your potential, and when it’s all because you constantly put yourself out there. Visible yet vulnerable.

So as I sit with my head poking out of my skylight in my little (it’s actually fairly big) green bedroom in Lancaster, I’m grateful. Second year was so awesome in so many ways other than academically. And in no way will results day ever dim my spirit, or dull my sparkle. Your grades do not define you.

I took so much on this year:

• 20hrs part-time job
• SCAN Fashion & Beauty Editor
• my business Forever Kulayrosas
• even harder work on this blog

and maybe that is why this has happened, but I don’t do things by halves, I go all in. It’s no wonder I’ve spent half of summer sleeping so far, my social life and academic life, and professional life have been overwhelmed this year. And so, I pat myself on the back.

And maybe slap myself on the wrist for partying too much.

I have taken the following from Worth More Ministries blog post Dear Younger Me – You Have Value:

*You are talented. Don’t believe other’s when they say you’ll never amount to nothing. “You’re just a dumb kid. A dreamer.” In the end, you’ll be the one who is successful. You will get an opportunity to be part of your own online ministry, “Worth More Ministries” and you will travel to share your testimony. People are going to fly you out to hear you. It’s true my friend!! Your days of day dreaming of being anywhere but home will be over. You will no longer write in your hello kitty journal to be heard or feel safe. You will have a voice for others. Hang in there. I know it’s tough. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

“You will have a voice for others.”

Goals. No but seriously, that’s all I want. To speak for those without a voice, to lift others up with my words, to share my testimony.

You see, the empty void in your heart cannot be filled with someone’s else’s affirmation; someone else’s grading of your intelligence; or someone else’s opinion of you. Being called “pretty” is not going to fill the void, nor “sexy”, nor “beautiful”. NEITHER IS BEING CALLED INTELLIGENT.

We all know that grades are not the be all and end all, and that everybody’s journey is different. I know that I haven’t come to university looking for academic “success”. I came to university wanting to open doors for myself, and just to get a degree in what is not just a subject but a skill: French. And, nothing is going to stop me from doing that.

And this on Paradigm Shift, THIS has put me straight: you are where you’re supposed to be. You’re on God’s path for you. And he only has good things mapped out for you future; under his wing comes no harm.

 

Love,

Anna