A month in now. More than a month. And that just seems crazy.
Raging hormones, slight homesickness and just general frustration at life have led me for the second time this week to sitting on a park bench crying. But, I have the best view.
The bench overlooks a gorgeous old tree whose trunk is as twisted and intricate as my mind feels right now; and behind are plants full of life, and Autumn leaves on the path, and gorgeous yellow, lilac and fuchsia blooms align the monument to the soldiers who died in the First World War. It is now that I see a man pay his respects to said soldiers, an act that is so personal to a person, and so I’m glad I’m far away enough to allow him his privacy, in a very public place.
In the past fifteen minutes of which I’ve been sat here, I’ve contemplated diving in the house and climbing the two flights of stairs to retrieve my sketchbook. I’m resisting this temptation however, as I know I just need to enjoy moments like these with my eyes and let my mind wander – I can’t always afford to get too caught up in a moment.
They tell you about how overwhelming it’s going to be, you know, we all know that. But none of that quite prepares you. The mix of emotions alone is exhausting, and my back aches from being tense, and my nose drips from crying. But, I know these feelings are only natural – and I really wouldn’t change this experience for the world. I know how much it’s growing me as a person, I can feel what it’s teaching me.
I have revelations every so often about what it is that’s frustrating me. Today I’m aware it’s a societal issue. Being a “free” woman in a town that hasn’t had that transformation is difficult. I see everyone as equal when I walk down a street, and I’m finding other people’s almost backward attitudes challenging. There have been so many incidents in this month that I’ve witnessed which have had an effect on me. So many moments where I just want (or have) said “No, you can’t treat them like that”. You just can’t treat people like they have no worth to society, life, another person, or to themselves.
I’m going to leave it there for today, as my frustrations are beginning to make me feel very isolated. I am still, however, overjoyed to be here. My heart is so full, and I feel blessed to have been put into a society that is developing, and hope to be a light to show people that dreams are theirs and their dreams are worthy of living out.