It has taken me the whole length of writing this blog post to decide on a title. Honestly, this week turned to pot at 11pm on Tuesday night, when my phone decided to de-activate. Thinking that was not the end of the world, I plugged the phone into my laptop, following the “connect to iTunes instructions”. When that failed to work, I tried lead after lead, device after device, it clicked that it was a driver/USB port issue. How wonderful.
And all that, the night before an assessed oral debate for French. Serieux?
The rest of the story involves a babble and a rant like no other, thank the Lord (in all honesty) that two weeks ago, I had already began backing all my university work up. Bearing in mind I did, and do, still have access to my laptop, it was not the largest technological problem I have faced – nothing like the trojan horse that literally invaded my computer when I was 13 years old, and my iPod Classic (remember those?!) – but the impact on my mental state at that time of night and into the early hours of the morning, brought on a monumental panic attack. This annoyed me as much as it did upset me, since I have been doing so well controlling my anxiety (you can go back through plenty of posts on this) … shows you how much technology not only rules our modern lives, but rules the life of a university student.
And for anyone who thinks I was just stressed, and didn’t sleep, that’s not what anxiety is.
It’s taken me until today to get over the medication (that I hadn’t taken in over 6 months), and I’m still woozy and light-headed after my tension headache medication – which is going to be changed, again. But thank God for great doctors and medicine. It may only be a preventative method but hopefully sleeping better will lessen the headaches, and mean I make the most out of the little time I have left of university because this year I have enjoyed so much, but I can’t always make it in due to the pressure on my eyes. Sound like an excuse? Even I know that, but I wouldn’t wish severe tension headaches, nor the eye pain it causes, nor migraines on a single soul.
Sometimes with anxiety, it seems like a person is faking it. For example, last night I put on a “nice top and jeans”, and went to Battle of the Bands on campus, simply to get out of the house and enjoy a few hours with my flatmates and best friends, because they too have had stressful weeks. Anyone who saw me could have easily thought I had been over-exaggerating Tuesday night’s, Wednesday’s and Thursday’s “issues”, but we all know that sometimes things don’t read well over message… For one friend to have been so kind, and to really make sure that I’m ok amongst a crowd of people meant the world.
So while I can publish the first newsletter for Kulayrosas, The Kulayrosas Edit: January, and while I can write and publish this blog post all in half an hour, does not mean I am 100% of sound mind, have slept well, and don’t have a tension headache. In reality, I am in pyjamas, in a messy bedroom, with heat lotion rubbed into my forehead, and propanolol in my system, using the one way I keep sane (writing) to get me through the day. And my best friend Alice making me tea and toast this morning, shows just how much friends really do care about you, if you’re always honest with them.
I would say therefore, that dealing with anxiety is like being in a battlefield. I’m pretty sure I even have a blog post from way back when, entitled the same? Just goes to show how circular life can be. I will add though, that if I hadn’t have spent every night praying, I’m not sure I would have been as mentally-well as soon as today. God works in weird and wonderous ways, and I can’t praise Him enough for getting me back on track. Sometimes, there’s no problem with one step forward, two steps back.
To all those who have been there for me, or even said a kind word, thank you. To those who know the real extent of my medical history, I am blessed to have friends and family so abundant in understanding.
I may be without Instagram for a while, so don’t worry about me! I’ve still got enough access to the Internet to over-share my daily musings!!! And, I’ve restored my old iPod, so here comes some bad quality photos…can’t get away from me that easily!
Love,
Anna
kulayrosas 