life :: nerve

Saturday 9th February 2019

It’s been a while since I’ve spent a Saturday in a town centre nursing my tired self with a cappuccino. If you hadn’t already realised, cappuccinos are my go-to, I feel so basic but you can’t go wrong with a lil’ coffee and a whole lot of milky froth.

Today I have so much to accomplish, and frankly it has started well. I am, however, face to face with a mangy dog, and it’s owners are sat next to me in joggers telling “Maisy” to “shut it” all the while prodding her on the nose with a wooden stirrer. Welcome to Café Nero Lancaster. On the bright side, I bagged myself a sofa seat, and a whole mug of froth sits before me as I decide whether or not to nap in public. I probably need stronger coffee.

These last two weeks have been massive personal tests. Everything I didn’t have time for has been thrown my way, catapulted even. I’m still catching up on university work, and I’m still feeling tired and consequently drowsy from my new medication to help my headaches. As always, perseverance is key. And nothing is going to stop me, because 2019 will not defeat me. So much of my future will be decided upon this year, and while in my heart I know what I want, I realise that I have to keep level-headed and ease my way through all the trials to come. Relocating to another country is going to be the least of my problems, and while it feels like I’m running away from home, I know in my heart of hearts it’s what I’ve always wanted.

My parents are both sides of a coin. They are so different and yet one, and the fact they influence me in different ways makes me a better, more well-rounded person. I see things from both angles. I just need to listen to them more. Why is it so hard to listen to your parents? Of all people, they have your back. Yes ok, they are also the most seemingly judgemental, but I know that despite every mistake and bad decision I have made, my parents have had my back – even if I was wrong, they have told me so and have helped me find a solution. It’s so simple to say they are the best, but they are. They have their flaws, but I couldn’t have been born to two people more loving and caring. I have learned to be kind because of them, they have always treated others with respect and never intruded too far into someone else’s personal life. While my Mum is academic, superwoman, and gorgeous, my dad is intelligent, philosophical and handsome – and they show me that marriage is just as much about friendship, respect and commitment as it is about love. If you’re both reading this, stop those teary eyes! I miss you, but your whirlwind of a daughter will be finding her way back home soon enough.

Despite my parents, I have the closest bond with my Gran, and my grandparents. Having no phone at the moment is killing me, I miss calling them on a weekly basis.

My Gran is marvellous, and while she may think she isn’t academic because she left school at 14, she has no idea just how intelligent she is. She is well-read, a complete laugh, and having a conversation with her stabilises me as well as pushes me to go after what I want. She inspires me to always enlarge the horizons before me, to chase after what I want, but to do so in a brilliant and humble way.

And my grandparents are such strong-willed people who have always nurtured my academic abilities and aided me to thrive. My Grandma is talented, as sensitive as I am, and so generous in ways that people do not see on the surface. My Grandad is a bundle of laughs with a hard exterior, yet it’s easy to break that by asking “You alright?”…”No, I’m half left.” Their intellectual yet straight-to-the-point way of doing things has influenced me to be a ballsy person, and stand up for what I believe in, and for what I want from life.

These five people have given me and taught me to have nerve; to seek out what I want at all costs, but remain respectful and kind at all times. They are all so different, yet at the core do everything out of love. My Dad always reminds me to “Love thy neighbour”, to think of others and believe in myself. Just a “Go Girl” text from my Mum makes me know I can do it, and ace it – whatever the it may be. And all of my grandparents show their pride, and there is nothing I love more than doing all 3 of them, and Grandad Geoffrey, proud.

Alternatively to all these family members, are two of my favourite comedians: my sister Ruth, and my cousin David.

Ruth, a pocket-rocket of energy and sass, has already faced so much in 16 years and one day, she will realise how beautifully tough and resilient all of her hardships have made her. She is incredibly intelligent, witty without end, and so kind. Even when we argue, which used to be 90% of the time, I love every fibre of her being – she is so much more than a sister to me, and I hope that she knows she can always rely on me, no matter where I am in the world.

And David, or should I say Dave, is just a barrel of laughs and frankly, the first ever best friend in my life. Having grown up together with three years difference, he is more like a brother to me, and while he infuriates me with his wit, he is charming and so switched-on. He has never once not looked after me, and I just wish I could be as funny as him. I also can’t thank him enough for making petal perfume with me in my Auntie Jayne’s back garden for years on end, even if one time you nearly knocked me out with a tennis ball. Safe to say, I was never that good at Kwik Cricket. Is that even how you spell it? Favourite cousin? Definitely you Dave. No doubt about that.

These two are unapologetically theirselves, and it’s that that inspires me. You’re both incredible.

Sunday 10th February 2019

A library day. A jam-packed, get yourself together kind of library day. It was so worth it, even if three hours worth of work on an article for Her Campus Lancaster suddenly disappeared… Meh.

And then after all that, my housemates and I, and Morgan (Zoe’s boyfriend, and honorary housemate) went to the Toll House Inn for a night of pub food and laughs. I love living with these guys, they truly make Lancaster and consequently the world a better place.

Monday 11th February 2019

My Monday morning began with a bedroom chat with two of my housemates over how horrifying and hilarious our dreams had been… Ebba definitely won. Not long later, I was left on my own in the house since my seminar was not due to begin until 3pm, although I found out only an hour later that we weren’t in fact meeting face-to-face today. Yay, pyjama day!

Despite all that, I have been very productive today. Business-planning, and three trainings videos complete, it’s now time to put into practice the gems I have learned this morning.

I’ve also got stuck in with catching up on lecture notes and readings, all while finishing off Turkish fantasy-drama The Protector, which you can find on Netflix – thank me later!

But by far the most gorgeous moment of the day was what I received in the post: a surprise Happy New Year card from my beautiful honorary French sister wishing me a blessed 2019 – all written in English! This was THE nicest surprise ever, and has picked me up and put me back on top of the world after what have been a rather troublesome past two weeks.

So this week I’m finding I am full of nerve, grit and deep-rooted passion to get all my ducks in line, and conquer what needs to be conquered.

May your week be as productive as mine.



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