I find myself on Valentine’s Day alone on the sofa, after having watched part of PS. I Love You with my beautiful friends. Not alone but alone, yet so content with where I am right now.
My coffee and cardamom candle is burning, and the lights are on low, and I’m gently watching the ending of the aforementioned film. My journal is out, and it sits before me and I know it contains all the receipts of the cappuccinos and petit cafes we have bought together, and even receipts for kebabs. Because that’s us.
I am starting to understand a nugget of wisdom that has always been imparted: friendship first. A foundation for all things destined is a friendship. Without that foundation, getting along with someone enough to never lose the “love” is hard.
It has taken me years to understand this, and I’ve still not even one hundred percent conquered it; and will I ever? The point is, I fell in love with my best friend, and it’s working out. So far, so good.
It didn’t happen while having pizza on a Wednesday night from a little, independent pizzeria, on the side of the main road (after England beat Panama 6-0). It didn’t happen in amongst the streets of Bordeaux, nor in the streets of Saint-Émilion. Nor the fireworks of le quatorze juillet, nor in the open-til’-late corner shop that sits on a long street in a little French town. Nor on a bench where we sat in the sun as an attempt to warm up from the harsh January winter air. It continues to happen, and happen, and happen. And I don’t want it to ever end.
I’d like you to know that it isn’t all plain-sailing, and it isn’t easy being away from each other for months on end. I spend many a moment fearing that I am missing out on getting to know him better. But then, that’s what a lifetime is for, right? Distance isn’t all that bad, and absence makes the heart grow fonder is proving to be true.
Again and again, I come back to the foundation the relationship has on friendship. With friendship comes respect, trust, support, honesty. I would much rather be told the honest truth than live a lie and fall in love anyway.
I wrote something, a sort of poem I guess, just the other day; I’d like to share it with you because the words just kind of fit.
Like a flicker of a candle, it’s delicate.
Like the morning sun, it’s blazing.
Like the depth of the ocean, it’s terrifying.
It is more than a decision, and happens when we least expect it.
Love is steadfast and strong. And it will see you through.
It never fails, it never gives up, and it will always hold you, right where you are.
Even in the midst of a storm so horrifying, love remains.
It lingers on lips, and waits to be remembered.
It doesn’t ask for forgiveness, nor demands it. All is forgiven.
It isn’t about true love, or what is meant to be.
It is about you, and about them.
It is simply love.
You never expected it, never saw it coming.
But it’s with you, and it’s here to stay.
The things you never saw coming, even if they weren’t a total surprise, nor a shock to the system, are always the best.
Like Holly says in PS. I Love You:
I will not reason nor compare.
And the next time you fly into something headfirst, with your head way over your heels, stop and ask yourself if you love them as a friend too.
Valentine’s Day isn’t something my boyfriend would necessarily “celebrate”, but his short (oh ye man of little words) yet heartfelt message read:
I will always be there for you.
And frankly, that’s a foundation for my life that’s worth every kilometre between us.
To cappuccinos and petits cafés, I will never not come home to you. Thank you for being my friend above all, and for always standing beside me.
Love,
Anna
kulayrosas 