life :: all i’m dreamin’ of

It’s a rainy Sunday in Lancaster but it by no means a dull one. (I even made it to the gym this morning. I say made it, I left the house at 8am feeling more energised than ever.)

Last night’s events hit me like a ton of bricks. Without going into too much detail, British Council have placed me under an ‘academie’ that isn’t Bordeaux. It felt like in that moment like all I had ever wanted and have been (and am) working for was over and for nothing. Frantic phone calls were made to my parents, my boyfriend, and my best friend Alice pulled me into her arms in the kitchen as I sobbed about losing all I had wanted.

You will be pleased to know reality has set in this morning: my life is nowhere near over. (I almost can’t believe I felt like that, nor said it.) This is a change, a challenge, something I had not expected. God does work in mysterious ways, and I have been praying and praying to be put on the right track, to realise my purpose. And perhaps this opportunity will do just that. You can even tell that from my last post, Unsettled by Grace.

It is a massive time of year, with tremendous change and goodbyes to be said. This is where things begin though, things I never knew I needed. I’m going to roll with it.

This post on DailyPS, written by Joshua Delp, has given me realisation today, and emphasises how I feel about things today. Certain words were certainly a wake up call. But that shows only how necessary it was to read. I want to quote the following which sounds a lot like me:

For many years, I sought my purpose. I had many goals and dreams. But I always lacked the anchored knowledge that I was pursuing what I was made for. I constantly spread myself to thin. Life was a bit of a roller coaster. I would work very hard, get ahead, but hit a bench mark and find no peace. No fulfillment. There was always this feeling of, “There has got to be more than this.

Somewhere along the four year path of University I began to forget that ‘anchored knowledge’. It infuriates me that I forgot it, and continued to pursue other things. It actually ate me up inside and out, and attacked my brain and the way I think about myself. It wasn’t healthy for me personally to ignore what I genuinely believe with all my being. And it is through God’s grace that I made it through it all.

And guess what, my exams are all done! Yesterday’s (pretty horrific) Cognitive Linguistics exam marked the final exam of my Undergraduate life and I am thrilled by that fact. Admittedly, I did not at all feel like that yesterday. I came home and cried, put on some angry rock music, and even tidied my room and hooved our hallway (and porch). But today I am feeling over the moon with the fact the assessed side of my academic life is over. Onto new plans, new ventures.

If you ever are in need in some wholesome country rock music, do try Black Stone Cherry. I feel sixteen again ironically singing White Trash Millionaire, and just joyfully weep at Peace Is Free with me ok.

Now that I have time to be creative, let the content commence!




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